| Still kicking. At least once a month.
http://beverlygrace.blogspot.com/ |
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| I want you to know that even though I am silent, I am still here. Even though I don't respond, I'm still listening, and even though I don't know what to say, I still understand. I know both of us have our lives to keep up and our niches to retreat back to (or our facades to uphold), but I want you to know that even if I don't exist in one of your worlds, I can still hear you if you scream.
Everything will be okay because someone out there, here, knows you. |
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| You're not the only one awake at 5am.
I miss you, but I don't even know who you are. |
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| What if Xanga crashed, right now? How much would you lose?
(5 years on diary-x.com...I'm afraid to see how much I'm never going to remember again.) |
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| Back from China. Nihao. :)
Somehow, I feel like the "learning experience" consisted more of just
meeting international people and living on my own than of learning
Chinese. I hated so many things about Beijing: the accent, the
people spitting and peeing in the streets, the cars and bikes that
didn't obey traffic lights, the lack of lines, the shopkeepers who
would grab your wrists, the gray sky and the sun that looked like a
moon. I always feel ashamed of either my American nationality or
of my Chinese ethnicity because if it's not the rudeness and disrespect
of one, it's the vulgarity and crudeness of the other.
The beauty of China is really hard to find. We think we'll see
historical artifacts, green bamboo forests, or at least, a
modernization of bright lights and bustling people. It's all
there, I'm sure; 5 weeks just isn't enough to search for it all.
With the Olympics coming in less than 3 years, China isn't in its
historical image anymore and it hasn't reached the 21st century yet
either. Everything is under construction, and right now, it just
looks like a mess.
It's a humbling experience that makes me feel shallow for caring about
academics or my social life. How could I desire a high GPA or a loving
boyfriend when some people just want your empty plastic bottle so they
could get a penny out of it?
I want to go to Europe. I discovered that I really like Europeans, and
I absolutely love Italians. One guy, Emmanuel, was explaining how
the romance languages are a lot of "tongue," how German was all "in the
back of the throat," how Japanese was like a machine gun, and how
Chinese is devoid of expression. When I asked about English, he
said it was very "closed mouth" and sounded crude most of the
time. It's no wonder, seeing as our list of swear words is longer
than any other language's.
In a semi-pathetic, obviously teenage way, I'm really going to miss the
clubbing scene. I'm going to miss the beautiful European guys who
can dance, the techno and free glow sticks, the ladies' nights.
I'm going to miss interacting with older people and not feeling
it. I was at the younger end of the age range; most people were
23 to 27. The age gap didn't really make a difference, until they
started talking about jobs and the work place; then I would realize
that the guy I was having a drink with could be my professor or
TA. There must be a universal attraction to older guys; so many
of my girl friends agreed that there's a maturity found in already
settled, established men, one that is lost in those who are still aging.
I think the strangest feeling I have right now is just the transition
from "living alone" back to living in my parents' house. Maybe it
doesn't even have to be that drastic. The change from living in
an apartment to living in dorms is enough too; just the fact that
people are around, people you have to interact with it, is hugely
different from living in an apartment where you cook and clean by
yourself and you rarely interact with the neighbors. You start
thinking about filling up your time with "productive" activities, like
going to the bank or post office or gym, instead of wondering where
so-and-so are because you want to hang out with them.
Feeling the age gap between a high school senior and a college
freshman, masking the age gap between an undergraduate student and a
teacher. I've never felt so young and old in my life before.
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